


I'm fine.

by idkimboredlol



Category: Dreamwastaken, GeorgeNotFound - Fandom, mcyt
Genre: Abuse, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkimboredlol/pseuds/idkimboredlol
Summary: This will contain some very strong themes like suicide attempts, self harm, eating disorders, blood and more so please do NOT read if you will get triggered. I will NOT be using warnings so please read at your own risk.I don't ship real people but I know a lot of you do so here I am!This story is a DreamNotFound story.I am not a writer, I'm doing this for fun. I also do NOT have depression so if I get anything wrong I'm very sorry. I do have anxiety though but I know there is different types of it so I will be using my anxiety experience and fan fics I have read to help me. All criticism welcome!This is also on my wattpad @idkiamboredlol
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 149





	1. Chapter 1

Today was a terrible day. I had spent the last month trying to find myself again. But everytime I'm close, I fall deeper into the darkness. Think of it like a puzzle. You are so close to finishing it when you realise there is a piece missing. A piece that was there before but now is forever gone.

I was 30 days clean of self harm. I was so close to being happy again. But I just broke. I have no energy. No energy to move. No energy to speak to anyone. No energy to eat. I might aswell be dead.

My friends hate me. I've left them on delivered for around a day now. Why would they care? I'm probably just worthless and annoying to them. They would never admit it because that's the type of people they are. The friends who you would ask a question like "How do I look?" and they would say you look perfect even though you look terrible. The worst you've ever looked.

My fans probably don't care if they get no content. They only care about Dream and Sapnap. I'm kind of just there. I went from streaming every day to once a month. Speaking of streaming I haven't streamed in a while. Maybe I should do that. But I don't want to.

I just want to die. To sleep and never wake up again. No one will notice. No one will care. I should just kill myself.

I spent most of my day lying in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about things. I don't really know what things, just things that came to mind. The only time I left my bed was to go to the toilet but that was it.

My life is shit.

The most productive part of my day started when I slowly turned my head to my right and read the clock, 5:45pm. I find a bit of energy and drag my heavy self towards my bathroom. I look in the mirror and today I look fatter and uglier than usual so I weighed myself. 98lbs. Shit. How did I do this? I haven't eaten in atleast a week. All I've done is lie in bed. How could I possibly have gained weight? I'm a fat, ugly, rat. I look like a zombie rat. Someone who doesn't deserve to live. Someone who should die.

I reach for the top cabinet and grab the pack of blades I bought about 2 months ago. There goes my 30 days. I pull up the sleeve of my hoodie and look over my previous cuts. They healed so well. I grab a blade out of the box and find a spot on my arm that isn't already scarred. I need to make my arm look even so nobody can tell. Not that they care. I dig in my arm with blood leaving my skin and dripping on to the floor. I continue cutting until my arm is covered in blood and there is no patches of skin left. I should've stopped myself but I couldn't.

I cover up the mirror that is facing the shower with a towel and slowly undress. I turn on the water and wait for it to warm up. Once the room has steamed up, I know it's ready. I step into the shower making sure I put my freshly cut arm in first. I don't like the pain but it needs cleaning. I hate to cut, but I can't stop myself. It makes me relived. I don't know what I'm relieved of, but I'm relieved. The scars on my arms are constant reminders of how I'm worthless and a failure. It reminds me what I am so I need them.

I've never actually told Dream and Sapnap about what's going on in my life. The things I do tell them are lies. They think I'm happy. They think I live off eating McDonalds. I told them it's my favourite thing to eat. I tell them my apartment is clean and I also tell them I have a girlfriend. In reality I'm the opposite. I'm sad, I never eat, my apartment is a shit hole and I will forever be single. Why would anyone love a worthless piece of shit like me? I don't expect them to notice the truth about my life but at the same time, don't I make it really obvious? I mean, I make it obvious to my landlord so why wouldn't they notice? I must be extremely good at hiding my feelings.

I'm in the shower for around half an hour trailing off in my own thoughts when I finally decide to get out. I dry myself off but I only have the energy to put my pyjamas back on. I exit my bathroom and enter my room. It's a mess. I will clean it later. I see my phone sitting on my bedside and for the first time all day, I turn it on. Whilst I am waiting for the glow of the screen telling me my phone is on, I lie in bed getting comfortable.

When my notifications have come through I see several missed calls from Sapnap, Bad and Dream. I also see atleast 1000 messages split between come through from all social medias. My fans haven't really noticed anything but they're used to me disappearing. I decide to ignore all of these notifications and look at my others. There was one that stuck out to me. 'Sapnap is live: Dream SMP, time to kill some animals!' I decide to press on it and watch what my friends are up to.

Sapnap was fighting with Tommy, Niki and Tubbo. It's nothing new. It happens all the time. After watching for around 5 minutes I decide to see what chat are saying. I double press my screen and the chat pops up. All I could see was the stans freaking out that I was watching. Shit. I forgot they can see these things. I start to panic when I hear someone say my name. "George!" shit he knows. "I know you're watching man, come on the SMP." I immediately click off Twitch as I can't be bothered with this. I can't let thousands of people hear me in the state I am. I can't even let Dream and Sapnap see me like this. I was about to turn off my phone when I get a message from Sapnap.

'Hey man, are you okay?'

I decide to ignore it and completely shut off my phone, locking it in my bedside table. I can't remember what I was thinking about but I remember staring at my ceiling for a while before falling asleep.


	2. Locked away

oday was very similar to yesterday. I woke up, layed there, slept. That's pretty much it. I haven't left my apartment in a while. My curtains haven't been open in atleast 3 months now. My arms ache. My head hurts. I'm tired. Mentally and physically.

The only thing different about today was the fact that I streamed. It was a very short stream but it was needed. I need money. I don't want to be homeless. I can't be anywhere other than my room it's my comfort.

The stream went alright. I didn't have face cam on for obvious reasons and chat hated it. My excuse was that my camera broke. They believed it. My fans believe anything I tell them, hence why nobody notices I'm hurting. The only thing that did go wrong is that Dream and Sapnap were watching. They kept calling me but I kept declining as I can't let them know how I am. They would just laugh. They would act like I'm being dramatic. I can't handle social life right now. I'm pushing them away but they don't like me anyway.

I speedran for about an hour before I got a donation from someone named anonymous. It read 'You're a fat, ugly, worthless person. You should quit life.' I pretended it didn't bother me. I carried on playing Minecraft like I didn't notice or care. In reality, it broke me. The truth always hurts. I wanted to just scream but I remembered I was streaming. Dream and Sapnap were still watching at this point. I knew because I was bombarded with messages asking if I was okay. I ignored them.

I ended the stream around 5 minutes after that dono. I said I was tired, I am but it was my excuse to leave. I turned off my pc and headed to my bathroom. I reach for the cupboard and grab the blades. Both of my arms are covered so I attack my legs instead. I think the blood was a bright red. It reminds me of school. When my teacher would ask me to annotate a specific quote.

The quote was 'her red lips were parted, ready for what was to come.' I remember describing the red as anger. It showed how she was angry towards the other characters. She only wore the red lipstick around other people. When she was alone she didn't wear it. I inferred that was because people made her feel angry. I don't know whether I inferred it right or if I was describing myself.

School was a horrible place. I would constantly get bullied for my looks, personality. I would get called a loner. The f-slur. I hated it. The only lesson I liked was art. It let me express myself. I was supposed to stay on a certain topic, for example, anatomy. We were supposed to draw skulls or lungs with flowers but I always ended up drawing what I was thinking. I still have the drawings. My favourite is one of my most recent ones. It's of a man sat in the corner of his room. His head is down, in his knees. I know what you're thinking a normal meaning behind it right? Let me guess what you're thinking; a man is stressed out over something. Right? No. The thing not many people notice is the boy stood next to him. Well, not really a boy but a ghost. This ghost represents the person he lost ages ago. Himself. The little boy is the last memory he has of himself before his life went downhill. I am that man.

My family used to make fun of me for liking art. They would call me gay. I'm not really sure how liking something can make you like a specific gender. When I took it for GCSE, I would get laughter from everyone around me. I used to aspire to be Banksy, without the graffiti. Banksy on paper. I love his art. It almost has a hidden meaning behind it. I can't explain what his art means but it definitely means something.

I've been telling whoever has been reading this about my life yet I know nothing about the reader. I hope I'm not rambling. I hope I'm not annoying you. I overthink a lot. Speaking of my thoughts, they were interrupted when I get a facetime off Dream.

I always get facetimes off him but this was a constant ring. He would normally give up after 2 times of me not answering but this time was different, he called and called and called... It didn't stop. I turn my phone fully off and lock it into the same bedside table from yesterday. Please just leave me alone.

Dream constantly calling me reminds me of my mum. She would always be on back about how I need to focus in school otherwise I'm a 'failure'. She would never shut up about how I'm a 'gay disappointment.' I'm not even gay. I'm straight. I've never been in a relationship therefore I am straight. I never get feelings towards anyone. There's no point if I can't love myself. If I fall in love and date someone I will end up hurting them. I'll hopefully die soon anyway so there will be no time for me to find love.

My thoughts are interrupted again when I hear a knock at my door. It's 11pm, who could be here? I slowly get up at look through the glass hole to see a man holding a pizza box stood there waiting. Confused, I open the door and clear my throat. "Um I didn't order any food, wrong apartment sorry." I start to close the door when I'm stopped.

"Sorry sir, I have the write apartment, I also have a note maybe someone ordered it for you?" What? Who would order me pizza?

"Oh, okay thankyou, have a nice day," I reply in a monotone voice, taking the pizza. I forget about the pizza and instantly read the note.

'Hey Georgie. You've been very distant lately, I hope you're doing okay. Please answer us and let us know you're fine, even if you're not, just let us know you received this pizza. We really miss you and we enjoyed your stream earlier. We love you George.  
-Dream and Sapnap ♡'

A very small part of me wants to cry after reading that but I can't. They don't mean it. They don't really miss me. They are just joking. Joking like they always do. Another reason why I can't cry is because my emotions are completely shut off. I can never feel anything anymore. I'm just numb.

After reading the note, I throw it away. It's useless anyway. It has no worth to me anymore. I stand staring at the pizza. It smells so good but it's unhealthy. If I eat it I'll be so fat. More fat than I am. One slice can't hurt. Right? I think about my actions before grabbing the box and taking it to my room. I turn on the tv for the first time in almost 2 months and go onto Netflix. I decided on watching 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' it's one of my favourite films. A lot of time goes by before I realise something. The pizza box. It's empty. Fuck. No wonder I feel so sick. I quickly run to my toilet and well yeah...

It had to be done. I can't let myself get fatter. I can't let myself look worse than I already do. Everyone will end up hating me more. I sit on my bathroom floor for a while crying. Why am I like this? How did I end up eating a whole pizza by accident? I should have stopped myself. I didn't. It's too late. I'm already fatter. I'm already uglier. Why can't I be normal?

I look to my right and notice a familiar box on the floor. My blades. I might aswell now that I've ruined my entire day. I try to stop myself buy the intrusive thoughts take over me. I find a new spot and cut. Blood poured out, falling down onto my white rug. Shit. Now I have more memories of this dark life. Maybe I should just end it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1387
> 
> I hope this chapter made sense.
> 
> Follow my twitter for updates :) @idkiamboredlol


	3. Dark

days since we spoke. Everyday feels the same, everyday is the same. I haven't been feeling any better. If anything, I'm falling deeper into the darkness. I'm pretty sure Sapnap and Dream have given up trying to contact me. I'm pretty sure my fans have forgotten I exist. It's for the better anyway. I can't let anyone see me like this. 

I weighed myself since we last spoke, 100lbs. I went up 2lbs. That god damn pizza has made me so much fatter. I didn't even let it go fully down. How could this happen? I've been trying my best to lose it, making sure I don't eat or drink anything at all. I'm really trying to be my best for you. I really am. I hate Dream and Sapnap for sending me that food. This is all their fault. If they just left their intrusive asses out of my life non of this would have happened. They always think about themselves before others. 

Speaking of Dream. I wonder what he looks like. He has told me that he has dirty blonde hair but it is more brown than blonde. He also apparently has freckles and green eyes. I can't see the colour green. I wonder if it's pretty. I imagine Dream is pretty. I wonder if I will ever see his face. I'm probably not important enough to see his face anyway. It's okay, I'll be dead before I meet him. 

There's no room on my body for cuts anymore. The only place left is my face but I can't ruin it anymore. I am already ugly enough, scars will make me uglier. I guess I'll just have to pre-cut my scars. I'm trying to become clean, I really am. These intrusive thoughts always win and it's not my fault. 

Today has been a shit day. There's days where I am just sad and can't be bothered to do anything but then there's days where I feel like a worthless shit and sink deeper into the darkness. No matter how hard I try I will always end up getting deeper. I wish I could describe this darkness to you but I can't. The best I can explain it is, imagine your relationship has just ended. The other person has ended it because they didn't think you were working out. How do you feel? Your heart hurts right? You miss the comfort of your lover. You're heartbroken. I feel just like that except it repeatedly happens, I never get over it and the 'comfort' I miss, that's my old self. The darkness is cold. The darkness is terrifying and I need to get through this. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. 

I was sleeping most of today. Although, I woke up to a noise coming from outside. I tried to accumalate the energy to go and look at what it is but as much as I tried, I kept falling back down on my bed. Oh well. 

I wonder how my mum will feel after she sees her son like this. She knew I was going to be a failure, she was right all along. I shouldn't have taken art. If she ever found out her son proved her right she would never let me live that down. She always has to be right. 

I decided I wanted to draw the other day so I did. I am proud to say there is a new drawing I actually like. It's of a sunset, a dark sunset. I'm not really sure how to explain it. It's of a boy sitting on a bench watching the sunset but the sunset is dark because he can't see the colour. I have always imagined colour as happy and vibrant but the boy watching the sunset feels hurt, upset so he can't see the happiness. 

After sleeping for the 5th time today, I find myself going on a walk. I sometimes do things without realising I'm doing them as I am too deep into my thoughts. The energy I never have will just suddenly appear and cause me to do anything, litterally anything. It can differ from playing minecraft to going on a walk and sometimes even eating food. It makes me feel worse as I'm doing something I'm not aware of and litterally anything can happen to me. 

The part of the walk I remember was very peaceful. The birds were singing their Summer tunes, the sun was blazing through the yellow (I think) trees. Sweat was accumulating on my skin but it didn't bother me. I got a lot of looks from strangers judging me, they must have been confused as to why I was wearing a hoodie with joggers in 28°C heat. It made my anxiety rise but I didn't show it.

Once I got back home I sat down on my sofa and watched Netlfix. To my surprise, I hear another knock at my door. I head over and open it to see a tall man with very light brown hair, yellow eyes and freckles. He was wearing a neon yellow hoodie and some black jeans, he was holding another pizza box. "I don't want it. Sorry." I start to close the door when a soothing voice interrupts me. 

"Wait!" I recognise that voice but I don't know where from. "George please have it." 

"Who are you? How do you know my name?" I say confused.

"George." The man says with tears in his eyes. "It's Dream." Reality struck me when I realised that this man isn't lying. This is really Dream. I can't let him see me like this. 

My breath starts to hitch as I quickly close the door, Dream stopping it before I locked him out, and run. I run to my bathroom and lock it. I could only just barely make out footsteps trailing behind me but they soon stopped as I hear ringing in my ears and I feel a warm salty lines run down my cheeks. Dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1016
> 
> Sorry for the repetitive storyline, it will get better soon I promise :) 
> 
> Follow my twitter for updates :) @idkiamboredlol


	4. Panic

My natural instinct when I panic is to sleep. Sleep my problems away. But when the man who probably hates me surprises me at my door with absolutely no warning, I can't sleep, he will be able to get in my room. 

Being locked in the bathroom with my box of blades and a bath is also a terrible idea but it's my only option. I can't let Dream know the reality of my life. I can't let him see that I am a bag of bones. I can't let him see the real George. He will hate me even more. 

I'm brought back into reality when I find my breath hitching even more. Breathe George, breathe. I can hear a pounding outside and some words but I have absolutely no clue what he is saying. My vision is blurry but I can make out what I am doing. After finding a normal breathing pattern I can still hear the ringing in my ears. This is it, I'm dying. I'm in a nightmare. Dream isn't really here. I'm in a nightmare. Nightmare. I quickly grab the box of sharp objects to the right of me and stand up. I walk over to the shower and turn it on, don't worry, it's better than a bath. I make sure the temperature is at its highest and I sit down pulling up my sleeve and digging into my skin to wake myself up. Nothing happens. I'm still there, in my nightmare, not waking up. All that is new is the burning sensation on my arm. I'm in so much pain but I feel so good at the same time. Please tell me I'm just extremely deep into my nightmare. This can't be real. 

I must have been sat in the shower for a while as the bathroom was so steamed up to the point it felt like a Winter's morning. I clean off my arm completely and find some of my old, dirty clothes in the corner of the room. I put them on because it's either that or be wet for the rest of the day. I sit back on the floor and try to keep my breathing pattern normal. My nightmare has stopped. Dream has gone, he was never here. Thank god!

I open the bathroom door and make my way towards my bedroom when a familiar voice surprises me "George? Are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you I'm sorry I can..." His voice trails off as I stare down at the ground. 

"It's okay." I fake smile and carry on walking towards my bedroom. Shit. This really is real. Dream is here. He can see the worthless piece of shit I am. What do I do? 

I sit down on my bed hearing footsteps enter my room. We both stay silent. "Hey, I noticed you don't have any food in the apartment. Do you want to walk to the shop?" Dream says. Come on George, you can do this. You need to pretend you're okay until Dream leaves. It can't be that hard, right? 

"Okay." 

We head to the door of my apartment and I exit for the second time today. The walk to the shop was very uncomfortable. Dream must be mad at me. I don't dare break the silence. I'll end up fucking everything up like usual. I look up at Dream every now and again to admire his features. His eyes look confused. He looks lost, like he doesn't know why he's here. We eventually enter the shop and Dream breaks the silence. "How come you didn't have any food?" 

"Oh, I just haven't had time to go shopping yet." 

"Oh okay, buy whatever you want, I'll pay." 

Shit. How am I supposed to buy food when I don't even know what I like anymore? This is going to be hard. We walk along the aisles and I just shove random things in my basket. He doesn't know what I like. He won't notice. Dream does the same but actually puts thought into the items he is putting in the basket. We get to the chocolate aisle and Dream puts in a few bars of Dairy Milk. I do the same but with Galaxy to not seem suspicious. He looks at me and smiles. We go to check-out and pay for the items. The cost comes to £43.99. 

The way home was again, silent. I couldn't stop thinking about how Dream must think I'm crazy. I can't believe the first time we ever met, I ran off and had a panic attack. How fucking pathetic can I be? I remember how I imagined we would meet before I fell into my darkness. We would be going to Vidcon, he would pick me up from the airport and Sapnap wouldn't arrive long after me. We would have a great time, go to parties, watch films, meet fans. No, I decide to ruin the day I met my friend of several long years by running away. I need to be prepared for when he asks me why. I need to think of an excuse. 

When we got home I sat down of the sofa and Dream suggested we watch a film. I, of course, didn't want to watch it but I need to pretend I do. He can't know I'm not okay. We watched Daddy's Home as it's strangely Dreams favourite film. I must admit, it's pretty funny and did actual lighten my mood. Once the film ended, Dream was the first of us, as usual, to speak. "I'm going to make us dinner." Before I can reply he gets up and heads towards my kitchen. Oh god. 

"Hey George?"

"Yeah?"

"These are good drawings, can you explain them to me?" 

I walk over to where Dream is standing and I hesitate before making up some random ass excuse. "Oh, uh just some random drawings i guess, I just draw what I'm thinking about, it can be anything really." 

Dream nods and continues to cook our dinner. God it smells so good. I can't believe I'm going to be ruining my healthy diet so that Dream doesn't find out about my problems. I am going to gain so much weight. After around 15 minutes of just waiting, a plate is finally presented infront of me. Spaghetti. He cooked me spaghetti. There was a small amount of pasta sauce on top and a few meatballs to the side. I have to admit, it was pretty nice. I ate it quite slowly as I really didn't want to be eating right now but I couldn't let Dream down. He put so much effort into this.

The meal was pretty silent as we didn't have much to talk about. That was until I decided to fuck it up like usual. 

I was eating when I accidentally spilt it down me. Normally this wouldn't mean much but this was a lot that I spilt down me. Like enough to have to change my hoodie. 

"George! You're so stupid I swear to god." Dream stands up and helps clean me up. "You should probably take your hoodie off." I do as he says, completely forgetting what he was yet to see. My scars. How could I be so stupid to forget about them? He doesn't notice at first until I reach my arm out to grab my plate. 

"George!" I look up to see a panicked Dream with tears forming in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1253


	5. Scars

Oh no. Shit. What the fuck have I done?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so so so sorry." My breathing starts to hitch leaving Dream to pull me into a warm embrace. I usually hate hugs but with wet salt covering my face and being on a verge of a panic attack, this was the best thing I could have. Dream is surprisingly very comforting right now.

"Shh, Georgie, it's okay."

No. No it's not. I just want to scream, scream until I forever lose my voice. Scream until every last memory is gone. Scream until I am gone. How can he act so calm? How can he control his emotions without hurting himself? How can he even feel emotions? I wish I could feel normal. Like Dream.

We stand hugging for a while until I finally decide to pull away. I immediately miss the warmth but it's for the best. I can't get too attached, I will end up hurting him.

At this point I was very nauseous from my spaghetti earlier. I tried going to the bathroom but my arm was immediately pulled towards a familiar face, Dream. He wouldn't let me leave. Cute? No, he just feels bad. Sympathy.

"Talk to me Georgie." He sits down gesturing for me to sit next to him. I stay where I am, I can't bare the thought of speaking to him right now. "Please George. I will try my best to help."

I hesitate before making my way towards the sofa and sitting as far away as Dream as I can possibly get. I sit staring at my hands. I sat like this for around 5 minutes. I find it adorable that Dream was patient, I'm not sure why I feel like this though.

"I've had a rough year, that's all. I'm fine Dream, I really am." I say. Lies. All lies.

"George...There is no way a 'rough year' can lead to this. Please tell me the truth, it will make you feel so much better." I can't Dream. I can't.

"Sorry." Again, Dream patiently waits for my answer. I am looking down at my hands but I can feel his stare burning through my skull. I place my hand to my left, about to stand up when I feel a soft, warm object on top of it. Dream's hand. It feels so nice. Looking over towards him, I can see his eyes glowing. They are beautiful. His face is perfect. His smile is forced, yet still perfect. Dream is perfect.

"It really doesn't matter Dream."

"Please can you call me Clay? I know now's not really the time but it will make me happy."

I smile and nod. We sit in an uncomfortable silence until Clay decides to turn on the tv. I guess he just wants a distraction. It didn't distract me though. Replays of our previous conversation played in my head. 'Georgie' my heart melts at the name, 'Please tell me the truth, it will make you feel so much better.' Will it? I can't open up to you to find out you lied about it making me feel better.

I look over at Clay and notice his focus completely on the tv. I turn my attention to what he is watching when on the screen I notice he is half way through watching a film. The film is about a boy's homophobic family. They are abusing him. They are being so vile to their son. I can't watch this. Too many memories.

I make sure Clay's attention is still at the screen before walking off and heading towards the bathroom. I let my nauseous feelings out and head towards my room. I sit on my bed and memories instantly replay through my head. "George, you're a disgrace to this family. You should go die, we would be better off without you." Those were the last words my mum ever said to me. I had just told her I think that I'm gay. I can remember the tears flowing through my face as I packed my stuff and never re-entered that house again. I was never loved and I never will be loved. If not even my own family can love and accept me, who can? From that day I learnt that I'm straight. Those feelings for guys were just phases. I am straight.

I can remember my dad just standing there for a while, letting it all unfold. My own mum, the person who gave birth to me, lashing out at me. Making me feel like shit. Not shit, even worse than shit. Making me feel worthless. She finally let me know she never even liked me and that I was a waste of space. She was right. The moments after all of this was probably the worst. My mum had left the room in anger when my dad pushed me against the wall and started punching me. Every single punch made me realise how unwanted I was. I felt broken. 27 times. I remember counting 27 punches. After each punch I felt more and more numb. He then went for my ribs and then it just stopped. I lay there for god knows how long. That's when I lost my emotions.

After packing my things I spent my first night homeless in hospital. A broken nose and 3 broken ribs. The hospital wasn't pretty bad I guess, it could have been better but I would rather have spent my time there than in that house again. After I was released, I hopped from homeless shelter to homeless shelter before my pay from YouTube finally came. I managed to rent an apartment and I've lived here ever since. I used to have a drug and alcohol addiction before I went to rehab and overcame it. I'm thankful resources like rehab are available. They do gods work. I had finally became content again until I relapsed again and here I am, alive. That is very unfortunate.

I didn't realise I was yelling and screaming until a panicked Clay woke me up from my memories. I looked at the worried face infront of me. Everything was a blur. My eyes were full of tears. I felt broken. I've relapsed again.

A few hours go by of me explaining everything to Clay. He was very patient of my breakdowns when I was explaining. He didn't invalidate my emotions. He gave me comfort. He helped me through the memories. The last thing I remember that night is falling asleep in the warmth of Clay's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1098
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American and Canadian readers ♡♡


	6. Carnival

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping outside my window. I look over to my right and read the time. 17:54. Damn I was asleep a long time. I attempt to get up but notice a weight around my hips. Clay. He stayed cuddling me. Cute. I decide to stay there moving myself towards him more being careful I don't wake him. I can feel him breathing on my neck. He feels so warm. 

I listen to his breathing for a while until I notice him stirr. "Goodmorning Clay!" I didn't get a response. All I got was a light hum. He is so sleepy, that's adorable. I feel the weight around my hips loosen as Clay moves and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. Without saying anything he leaves the bedroom and disappears out of my sight. I huff missing his comfort and decide to follow him. 

"Today we are going out. Be ready in about an hour." Clay smiles. Causing me to laugh. 

"Clay, it's 6 o'clock what can we possibly do?" 

"You will have to wait and see" He comes over and boops my nose. My cheeks flare red but I luckily manage to hide my face before he notices. Where could we possibly going? 

At around 7pm I head to the living room to see Clay say sat on the sofa on his phone, probably scrolling through twitter. He is wearing his iconic green hoodie, some black jeans and some yeezys. His hair is slightly combed to the side revealing his mesmerising eyes. 

He notices me staring and begins to speak "Are you ready?" 

I nod my head and we leave the apartment, instantly being hit with the warm Summer air. The sun was beginning to set but I couldn't really see the colours. They all sort of merge together. Whilst walking I seem to unknowingly get closer and closer towards Clay, I don't think he noticed though. 

We walked through a field covered in flowers, I think they were red, possibly poppys but I'm not sure. Flowers have never interested me. The walk had lasted for around 20 minutes until I could hear faint music gradually getting louder. I could also hear the screams of, children? Where is Clay taking me? 

While I'm thinking of all the possible places he could be taking me I notice some flashing lights in the distance. Once we got closer it hit me, a carnival. The place was packed. Every corner was full of people of all different age ranges. To the left were some rides and to the right were the games and food stands. Ahead of us was a ferris wheel. It was so tall. The music was booming and it was playing some pretty good music I must admit. 

This was very thoughtful of Clay to bring me here but how exactly do I tell him that I have a fear of crowds? I have always struggled with agoraphobia, I tend to get panic attacks in busy places. I don't know how to tell Clay though, he brought me all the way here, he must have been planning this for a while. What do I do? 

"Do you like it Georgie?" 

I'm snapped out of my thoughts and hesitate before coming clean. "Clay, I love it, I really do it's just..." You can do this George. "I have a fear of crowds." 

"I'm so sorry Georgie," he says pulling me into a hug. "I didn't know, let's go home, we can find something else to do." 

"No, we came all this way, I'll be fine." 

"Are you sure? I really don't mind."

"Yes." Clay smiles and pulls away from our hug. I immediately miss his warmth until I feel him interlock our fingers. That is adorable. It makes me feel so much safer.

We head over to the ticket stand and buy two wristbands that mean we can use any facility as many times we want except for food and drink, we obviously had to pay for that. 

The first thing we played on was the Hook a Duck. Unfortunately the prize we won was a fairy wand, neither of us wanted it so we gave it to the closest family to us. They loved it, they gave it to their son and I must say, it made his day. 

After the Hook a Duck I notice my hands feel colder and Clay has disappeared. Oh god. Why did he leave me in the middle of a carnival in a crowd. Was this his plan all along? To take me here and leave me because he didn't want to be my friend anymore. Wow. I should have seen it coming. 

I head towards a bench away from the crowd and sit there, pulling out my phone to see no notifications from Clay. He really did leave me. I start to panic, my breath hitching. My eyes are filled with a warm, salty water yet the substance never left my eye. I feel some arms tighten around my neck. I turn around and notice Clay stood behind me holding something behind his back. Thank god he didn't abandon me. I know I live here but I would have been so lost without him. 

"Close your eyes Georgie, I have something for you." I obey and close my eyes to feel Clay pulling my arms towards him and holding my hand. "Open," I once again obey to see the cutest teddy bear in his hands. He really got a bear. Just for me? That is so thoughtful. 

"Awwww, that is adorable Clay, thankyou." I smile grabbing it from his hands and almost instantly cuddling it. 

"I just felt bad for bringing you here without asking you and not knowing about your fears." Clay looks down acting guilty. 

"Clay, I promise you, it's okay. I love it here, you've really made my year." 

He smiles and pulls me into another hug. "Want to go on the Ferris Wheel? The queue has died down quite a bit." I nod and we walk over to it. It didn't surprise me how the queue has died down, it was now around 9pm and most families with younger children had gone home meaning the place was slowly getting emptier. 

We stood in queue for around 2 minutes before we were let on. The view will be amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1070
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the happier chapter!


	7. Ferris Wheel

The ride to the top of the Ferris Wheel was mostly silent. It was a comfortable silence though, the flashing lights of the Carnival below us was mesmerising and it made me feel safe being several feet in the air. 

The carriage we were in was quite unsteady but being with Clay made everything feel much better. He makes everything feel better, the whole world seems to disappear when I stare into his eyes. His smile is perfect, his teeth are whiter than a piece of paper. His jawline is so sharp and defined. 

We get to the top and the Ferris Wheel stops to let the next lot of people on. Clay and I are just sat staring at the scene below us when I feel a shiver going down my spine. I'm cold. Great. Clay seems to notice this and immediately says something being the gentlemen he is. "Are you cold Georgie? Do you want my hoodie?" 

"No I'll be fine, you keep it, you'll get cold yourself." Clay looks at me rising his eyebrows like he's demanding I take the hoodie but I still deny the offer, I don't like when people put me before themselves. 

"George." He says, eyebrows raising. Why is he so scary like that? 

"I'm honestly fine. I promise." 

"I guess Georgie is good at breaking promises. Now, take the hoodie." I sit and stare at his aggressive manner in total shock. I give in and take the hoodie pulling it over my head. It was so big on me but I didn't mind, anything to keep warm. 

"You look so cute in that." Clay smiles making my cheeks almost instantly flush red. 

"T-Thanks?" 

The Ferris Wheel was still not moving, there must have been a problem. It didn't bother us though. More time in the moment. We make small talk and we don't even notice the space between us slowly closing. We managed to keep eye contact pretty much the whole time we are up there, Clay helps me do things I could never do with anyone else like keep eye contact. Social anxiety is a shitty thing to have especially when people are trying to keep eye contact but all you can do is stare anywhere but their eyes. It feels rude but I try.

Clay's eyes were full of something but I couldn't quite undertand what it was, it seemed like lust but theres absolutely no way he feels that way towards me. Right? 

We stay in the moment for a few seconds before I feel the man before me cup my cheek and my cheeks flare red. Is this really happening? 

"Georgie, you are a really beautiful person." My heart flutters. "Your personality tops everything off. You're so small, small enough for me to cuddle. Small enough for my hoodie to engulf you." He smiles. "I know you probably don't feel the same way but I really needed to get this off my chest...I want you George." 

My eyes widen at the remark made by the man infront of me. He really likes me? I had no words. I didn't even know how I felt myself. Before I know it, I find myself closing the distance between us. His lips tatse like cherries. Did he use lip balm? For me? 

The kiss was only short but it made my stomach turn. I felt safe, I felt comfort. I felt something else but I don't know what.

After pulling away, we rest our foreheads together. Clay likes me, do I like him back? 

We don't say much on the ride down to the bottom. The only thing that really happened was that he interlocked our fingers on the walk home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 622
> 
> Sorry for the short chapter I had extreme writers block with this chapter, tomorrows will be longer. 
> 
> Also, if i was to write a new book with Clay's pov would anyone read?


	8. Stream

Once we got back to my apartment the silence was finally broken by Clay. "Georgie..." 

"Yeah?" I reply confused at his serious tone.

"Does this mean we can date?" I don't reply. Half of me wants to just jump into his arms and kiss him like there's no tomorrow. The other half of me wants to tell him I'm straight. Because I am. Liking the same gender is not right, my mum told me that. I can't disappoint her again. 

I stand there confused. My emotions are playing with my head. On one hand I have the option to say yes and on the other hand I have the option to run. What did I choose to do? Yes, I ran. I ran like there was no tomorrow. To the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and sit against it to make sure he doesn't get in. Why did I run? I don't know. People always say follow your heart but I did the opposite and followed my mind. 

I can hear faint footsteps but the loud voices in my head took over. Shit. I'm having a panic attack. Tears threaten to escape my eyes but they don't. I'm numb. I don't feel love. That's why I ran. 

Time went by and I eventually made it out of my panic attack. My ears were ringing but everything and everywhere was silent. Where has Clay gone? I fucked up. I always fuck everything up. I grab my box of blades and notice there is only one left. I make a mental note to buy more before standing up, looking in the mirror and carving shapes into my arm. 

I left the bathroom to be greeted with nothing. Still no Clay. Just silence. Without thinking I head over to my bedroom. I walk over to my desk and boot up my PC. Once I am greeted with a light glow, I go onto minecraft and waited for the title screen to load. After it loaded, I tabbed out and clicked on obs. Again, without thinking, I press the go live button. With my face cam. Probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. 

The stream started off pretty well. My followers were happy to see me, I had been gifted several subs and donated quite a lot of money. I don't think many people commented on my looks. It was quite surprising actually. I speedran for quite a while but got bored so I decided to go onto my hardcore survival world. I've had this world for around a year now, to say I'm not the best at minecraft, I have done extremely well on it. Well, I did have this world. 

I decided to go mining in the nether for some netherite. I completely forgot to take some fire resistance potions with me. Again, another mistake. I pressed on the bed and was instantly greeted with a massive flow of lava. Me, being the dumbass I am, tried to save myself with water. That obviously didn't work and I was eventually welcomed with death. Great. Another thing I have fucked up today. 

The first day I actually have motivation and I actually feel good, I fuck up. No wonder why I always end up spiralling back into the darkness. 

The worst bit came after my death. I was thinking about ending my stream when I get a donation. From anonymous. 'Ew, why do you look like that? Red bags under your eyes... You're fat and ugly as hell. You look like a rat. You're gay and deserve to die.' 

That donation hit me. Not only I think this, everyone else thinks this. I am so worthless. I do deserve to die. I do deserve that donation. They were right. I end my stream and sit staring at the screen. 

I'm lost in so many thoughts when I hear load footsteps behind me and Clay instantly hugging me. I pull away and without meaning it, tell him to leave. 

"But Georgie...That donation was the biggest lie if I ever heard one." he looks me in the eyes. "You shouldn't have to deal with that alone."

"Clay, it was the fucking truth. I can't deal with your fucking lies. You are pretending to like me. You don't actually love me. You just feel bad for me. Sympathy. I am a worthless piece of shit. I'm fat, I look like a rat. I have fucking scars on my arms to remind me all of this. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I don't know why I streamed tonight but I wish I never played this stupid block game when it came out and I wouldn't be here right now. I would have a proper job and I would probably have a family. I would have never met you or Sapnap and I wouldn't have so much pressure to be the perfect little streamer everyone wants to be. Just fuck off Clay!" 

He looks at me. I can read his face. He is so hurt. I have hurt him. I don't even feel bad. Why am I like this? I want to apologise but the words don't come out of my mouth. Before I know it Clay starts to cry and leaves the room. Shit. 

I stand up. I walk over to my wardrobe and open it. I grab a box. A box I haven't touched in a while. A box I promised I would forget about. A box of drugs. I rummage through it for a while trying to find some that I actually wanted but they weren't in there. I decide to do a lucky dip instead, the first bag I grab, the drugs I will take. I assume you know what drugs like so I won't waste my time describing it to you. 

I intake the bag of powder I grabbed from the box but something felt off. I didn't feel relieved. I didn't feel better. I felt tired. My chest tightened. My eyes closed. Darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1009
> 
> Well this took a turn... also I'm sorry if I got anything about the drugs wrong, I have never had any.


	9. Hospital

Autumn is the beginning of an end. The world is losing it's colour. Days get shorter but they also gradually get darker. Plants are slowly dying but haven't been buried yet. They're still here but they're getting lost. Autumn is near the end of the year meaning it's nearly time to leave. 

Everything felt bright yet dull at the same time. Everything was silent yet I could hear a faint beep coming from my right. Everything felt...strange. Words can't describe the confusion I woke up to. The last thing I remember was being stuck in darkness for a while. I couldn't remember how I got here. I can't remember anything. 

Slowly and carefully, I open my eyes to be greeted with a very unpigmented room. Looking down, I notice I am in a snowy white dress-like piece of clothing with dots of blue covering it. Wires were entangled in my hands and a tube of blood was flowing from my arm to a small machine. To my left was a blonde, gorgeous figure sleeping. I can't really remember who he is but he seems familiar. 

My head throbs, like I have been drinking alcohol non-stop for the past year, but I sat up anyway. The room I was in was very unfamiliar. There was a small tv in the left corner opposite the bed. To the right was a brown door leading to what seemed to be the exit of this nightmare. There was also another room that seemed to be a bathroom. 

A mirror was opposite my bed. I stared into it but I didn't know who was looking back. The figure was lifeless, dull eye bags, as pale as a ghost, exhausted. The figure was not the boy I saw before I fell into my darkness. When it was bright, I remember a happy boy who always had friends, he had good grades, never failed to have a smile on his face. That boy was named George but he is dead now. I don't know where he went. 

A brown door opens and a doctor, about mid forties, walks in. He looked shocked, eyes wide like he saw a ghost.

"G-George, you're awake?" 

"Yes? Who are you and where am I?"

He stands confused, like I'm doing something wrong. It wouldn't surprise me at this point to be honest. Every single thing that I do is always wrong. Even the smallest thing is wrong. How can I do something right for once? 

"George, you may want to lie down, you're going to hurt yourself if you sit up." See. The smallest thing is wrong. Next time I'll smile and I'll have people hate on me. I don't really care anymore. 

"No."

"George, please." The blonde who was peacefully sleeping suddenly spoke. His eyes were glossy, like he was about to cry and his face was blotchy like he had been crying. Did he cry or is he about to? Nothing makes sense anymore. The ability I had to see things uniquely had gone. What is happening? I want George back. Not this random body I am in. 

"Who are you?" I ask the blonde causing a surprised reaction from both the man and the doctor. I get no answer but I do notice the two men exchanging looks and the doctor leaving the room. 

"G-George."

"What." I say agitated, my accent thicker than usual. 

"It's me, Clay. Your bo- bestfriend. We had a little argument and you took something, something very strong. You overdosed, luckily I found you before it was too late. You're here to get better Georgie. I promise." 

"I overdosed?" My mind is still hazy but I can recall taking some powder.

"Yes, I saved you though!" He forced a smile. I could tell it was fake. 

"I didn't want saving. You should have left me to die. I would have been so much happier." I felt numb. The man before me looked sad, I had hurt him. Another thing to add to my list of things I did wrong. A tear rolled down his face. The expression he made showed that he was so confused at everything. 

"You don't mean tha-"

"Yes I do." I cut him off. "I don't know why I'm here or why I did it but it was clearly for a good reason. If I wanted to be saved, I wouldn't have done it."

He just stared at me, emotionless before he spoke again. "Sapnap called, he hopes you get better soon." 

"Who is Sapnap?" He gulped. 

"Your other best friend." 

"Oh." 

"Um, I'm going to make a phone call, I'll be back." Clay rushed out the room rubbing his eyes. I definitely hurt him. It doesn't bother me though, I may not remember what exactly happened but for me to take strong drugs because of it, I must have meant everything. I still mean it, atleast I think. Clay seems nice and all but I don't undertand why he is being si dramatic. It was just some drugs. If he was really my best friend he would understand I didn't want saving but he doesn't. Therefore, he is now a stranger. 

Winter is death. It represents the end. The end of a year, the end of everything bad. Darkness all around, no matter if it's day or night. The only light is hope. Only young children can see hope, hope that santa will come on christmas eve. Hope that they've made it onto the good list. Hope for presents. I guess you can say snow is bright, but doesn't that eventually melt? Winter will always be the end. Unfortunately, we are in Autumn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 949
> 
> Sorry for not updating in a while, I didn't really know how to write this and I got kinda bored of writing it but I'm back!


	10. Home

Multiple days had passed since I was last familiarised with the unsatisfaction of a hospital. I was discharged about 4 days ago, under strict conditions though. My doctor had told both me and Clay that I am not to leave my room and someone needs to be by my side at all times to make sure I don't 'relapse' again. I can't believe they don't trust me to do this on my own, of course I have to be babysat by the guy that put me in the hospital in the first place. 

Unfortunately, I managed to get all of my memories back, every single memory I tried my hardest to forget. This was including the night I overdosed. I feel so bad for shouting at Clay but he needed to hear the truth. He was lying to me and I want him to go back home. 

The one thing that hasn't changed since being in hospital is that I still feel like a stranger. I genuinely don't recognise the person I am anymore. The sweet little boy that always smiled has gone, he died a very long time ago. I hate to admit it but I don't think he will ever come back. 'George' would never have overdosed, self harmed, fell into a darkness and rejected the guy he likes all in 1 day. 'George' is dead. I don't know who I am. 

Sweat floods my face as I leap up from my nightmare. My breathing is unsteady and tears threaten to escape my eyes. I look across the room to notice Clay peacefully sleeping, luckily I didn't wake him up. 

Ever since I overdosed I've been getting my teenage nightmares back. Not only do the nightmares occur every single time I sleep but it's also one repetitive nightmare. When I was a teenager, I would always get them. I would get them at school, on the bus, in bed, in the library. Everywhere. When I was diagnosed with anxiety and started taking my medication, they stopped. 

The nightmare starts off with a young frail boy sat in the corner of his empty room. He has been isolated from the world, he hasn't left his house in months. Scars cover his arms, blood all over his clothes. He decides to walk into his dirty bathroom. He looks at the mirror that is covered with a towel and pulls said towel off. The mirror is cracked and he can barely see his reflection. I imagine the crack is from an anger episode but only one can assume. The boy stares at himself, he is lifeless, bruises all over him, scars everywhere and he has bald patches in his hair. He doesn't recognise himself. The boy looks away from the mirror, turning back he is greeted with a dark faceless figure that seeps through the fragments of a mirror and attacks the boy. That's where I wake up. 

I have never told anyone about these nightmares as they may think I'm crazy. They would have sent me to a mental asylum if I wasn't careful. I was very close to being in one before but that story is for another time. 

Looking over at Clay, I decide to carefully and quietly get out of bed and sit on my window sill. The sky looked beautiful. I sneakily slid past Clay and headed to the front door, I put on my shoes and slowly open my front door. I forgot my phone but it's fine. 

The darkness of the night represents my mind and how it works. I'm not really sure how to explain it but it's like the sky is me. The black represents the unsteady thoughts that constantly enter and exit my mind, this ranges from my intrusive thoughts to just normal person thoughts. The stars represent the loudness of my thoughts, there isn't many but the ones that are there, stick out. Finally, the moon represents hope, the hope that I will be normal again. The only problem with the moon representing my hope is that eventually, even though it's still technically there, the moon will fade as the day comes meaning my hope is lost. 

I walk for a while until I find my favourite park and sit on the bench taking in the peaceful night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 718
> 
> Fun fact: The nightmare is a nightmare that I've been getting recently but I imagine myself (a girl) so yeahhhh.
> 
> Anyway, sorry for not updating again, I keep forgetting and I have no motivation atm, I am trying my best.


	11. Clay?

The bright moon reflected on the calm lake infront of me. Well, it was calm until thunder filled the air around me. Rain started pouring from the sky and caused the lake to ripple. Great. I'm only in a t-shirt. Why? Because I'm always cold mentally, it feels right to be cold physically. The outdoors was so loud yet quiet at the same time. 

It felt like I was sat there for hours but as far as I could tell, it had only been a few minutes. My hands were pink and I could barely move them. My nose was tingly and my feet felt like they were about to drop off. How idiotic could I be to not bring something to keep me warm? 

A few more minutes passed by of me getting lost in my own thoughts when I hear my name slowly getting louder. Am I hearing things? Maybe it's the rain. 

It wasn't. "George." A familiar figure sits down next to me inhaling the cold air. 

"What." 

"I figured you would be here, what have we told you about leaving the house?" 

"I'm not a child Clay. I don't need someone telling me what to do. Leave me alone." I got no response, just a sigh. 

Clay looked so warm and cosy and cute... no I didn't mean that. I meant he looks warm. He is wearing a hoodie and a massive coat. Warm.

"You look cold George. Do you want my hoodie?" 

"No." Completely ignoring my answer, Clay takes off his coat and eventually his hoodie exposing his skin before he pulled his t-shirt down. Wow. I think he has abs. Wow. He hands me the hoodie and I hesitantly pull it over my head immediately engulfing myself in the warmth and scent of Clay. 

Staring back into the lake, I feel a familiar warmth embrace my hand. I look towards my right to see Clay holding it. "Your hands are cold Georgie." I roll my eyes. Part of me wants to remove my hand but the other part wants me to keep it there forever. 

The moon was reflecting on Clay's face. His shiny blonde locks were arranged in a messy state after he had slept for a while, yet he looked adorable. His tan skin had highlights of the moon shining on him like he is an angel. Finally, his eyes. Wow. His mesmerising eyes radiated lust, not a sexual lust, a warm lust. They were a foresty green and reflected the river into them. Clay turns to make eye contact with me, wow. He is so...amazing. 

"Clay?"

"Yes Georgie?" He smiles. Gosh he has an adorable smile. 

"I'm sorry about what I said before, you know, I wasn't thinking straight and I just don't know how to be around people. I don't know how people can like me if I don't like myself. I just don't understand. It's all so confusing. Do you actually like me Clay?" A salty substance escapes my eye. "Did you pretend to like me because you feel bad? I need to know." 

Clay pulls me closer to him resting his chin on my head. "Georgie. Where do I start? I have liked you litterally forever. You make me smile, you make me happy, you make me who I am. When I came over to check on you my heart absolutely broke to see you in pain. I can't believe I never noticed sooner. I never planned on telling you my feelings as I wanted the attention to be on you and what you need but I got caught up in the moment and we kissed. That was one of the best nights of my life. I understand if you don't want me to stay, I understand if you don't like me back. I will do anything for you Georgie. I really will." 

My heart aches. I fucked up. I lean up and stare back into Clay's lustful eyes. Slowly I find my head being pushed towards Clay's by a non-existent force and our lips smashed together. 

This felt different to the first one, it felt more loving in a way. I'm still very straight so why does it feel like this? Men are supposed to love women. Men aren't supposed to like men back, it's weird. Right? 

We pull apart staring into each other's eyes again. Clay looked so happy. Clay looked so perfect. But I'm straight. I need to tell him. 

I scoot away from him again, breaking eye contact and stare into the lake. How do I say this? 

"Clay..."

"Yes George?" His voice had a tone of worry in it. 

"Please don't think I was leading you on in anyway, I didn't mean to. But." I sigh. "I'm straight. Loving the same gender is disgusting, my mum has always told me it's a bad thing and I can't let her down even more. I'm sorry Clay, I really am. I am straight and always will be." 

Clay didn't say anything, I look at his face to see that I broke his heart. He looks shattered, speechless and he is on the verge of tears. I've fucked up again haven't I? 

Fuck. Clay stands up and walks off, not towards my home though, the opposite direction. A few moments pass before the figure of a perfect man disappears out of my sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 901
> 
> I'm thinking of ending this pretty soon, I'm sorry. I just get bored of my story ideas and I have a new one don't worry! 
> 
> There will only be around 5 more chapters of this but I will make sure to make them much longer don't worry. 
> 
> Finally, I am not actually homophobic!!! I just wanted to put that out there as in this chapter George is basically dissing gay people but there is a point for it. I am actually bisexual and I am writing a fan fic of two gay people so it wouldn't really make sense if I was...


	12. Mum...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // f slur, nsfw mention

My mum has always been right. I'm worthless, ugly and a waste of space. She has never been wrong to be honest. That's why I never want to disappoint her.

Yes, Clay is very attractive but liking men is absolutely disgusting. My mum told me that. My mum. The woman who gave birth to me, the woman who raised this broken man. The woman who always knows best. Right?

If Clay was a girl I would definitely date him. He is absolutely perfect. Dirty blonde hair with enticing eyes Veiny hands, tan skin and plush lips. He would be my ideal woman. I wish he was a woman.

As much as I try to make my mum proud, it always fails. She never says she loves me, she never even checks up on me. Why am I so worried about what she will think? Should I take a girl to her to show her I'm straight? She always called me a faggot, she was wrong, I'm straight.

Straight. As straight as a ruler. Yes. Maybe? Why is this so confusing. Why can't I be perfect and think straight. Why can't I be sure that I'm straight, I am straight so why am I thinking like this? God. Life is so hard.

I look back over the lake to see the moon slowly moving and a hint of yellow surfacing the water. This was my queue to leave.

The walk back to my apartment was...strange? Everything felt different. I felt like I had a huge hole in my heart. I felt different than I usually do.

My apartment was empty, my feet echoed as I headed over to my sofa. I didn't feel like going to my room to sleep so I slept on there instead.

I woke up around 3 hours later after a very...physical let's say, dream of Clay. It was weird. His lips pushed against mine and he trailed along my neck marking purple everywhere he sucked. And then... you can figure the rest out.

I sigh and walk into my bathroom to take a very cold shower. As much as I tried to get my thoughts off of Clay, they just returned. Unexpectedly. I am straight. Straight. Straight.

I shake my thoughts out of my head as I get out of the shower and put on some clean clothes. Opening the door, something felt strange. I could sense someone. I cautiously walk out of the bathroom to see a figure sitting on the sofa. Clay. Oh god.

Looking at him makes my stomach turn and warm. He litterally makes my heart stop. Gosh he is so perfect. I wish he was a girl.

I sit beside Clay without saying a word until I decide to look at him. He looks so broken. I feel so bad.

"I wish you were a girl you know." Fuck, why did I say that? I got no response except from a very questioning look from Clay. "If you were a girl I would date you."

"W-what? How does that even make sense." He rolls his eyes.

"You're perfect Clay, you really are. I can't let my mum down even more than I have."

"What do you even FUCKING mean George?" He runs his eyes, like he has had enough of me.

"My mum has always called me a fucking fag and I can't let her know that I'm fucking gay." Wait...

"What?" I scratch my head confused. "George you literally said you were straight."

"I know I'm confused now. On one hand, I am straight, my mum told me. On the other hand, you make me feel things Clay. Many things."

I see Clay smirk. What is happening? Why am I saying all of this? Shit.

"George... you're gay." I gasp.

"No I am not? How dare you say that. That's disgusting."

Clay laughs. "Okay George. Well, I'm going to go and shower. I'll be back..."

I'm so confused. Clay walks off into the bathroom. He forgot his clothes though...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 676
> 
> Sorry this doesn't even make sense, I don't even know what I'm writing anymore lmao.
> 
> Anyway, the next chapter is nsfw (after I promised my virgin self I wouldn't write it), so prepare yourself...


	13. nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISED MY VIRGIN ASS SELF I WOULD NOT WRITE THIS IM SO SORRY. AGAIN, I AM A VIRGIN SO PLEASE PRETEND WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS IRL IDEK.

I sit on the sofa, still very confused at my sexuality. Surely I'm straight right? Well... that thought soon changed. 

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I hear the shower turn off and a Clay curse under his breath. The bathroom door opens and me, being me, looks over to see Clay. Half naked. My eyes instantly widen at him. 

Gosh, he has defined abs, he is so tanned. His veing hands clutch onto his towl, keeping it up. Shit. Don't do this to me Clay. I'm straight. 

"I seemed to accidentally~ forget my clothes." accidentally was said very sarcastically. He walks off and winks. Fuck you Clay. My breathing starts to hitch as I feel my trousers start to tense up. Oh fuck. I can't let him see this. What do I do? 

I frantically move my hips trying to find some form of friction before Clay comes out. It didn't work, I grab the nearest blanket and pull it over me, rubbing over my throbbing trousers. That is when Clay walked out, smirk still evident. He sits close to me, very close and gets the remote for the tv. He knows what he's doing. Fuck. 

Humming, he flicks through Netflix until he finds a random film, I tried my best to concentrate on it but I couldn't. My mind was set on staying as still as I can so Clay doesn't know how turned on I am right now, just from his abs. Fuck. 

I manage to focus my self on the film after a long 5 minutes until I notice a warmth figure trail up my leg and rest on my thigh. Fuck fuck fuck. 

I pretend not to notice until I see Clay look at me in the corner of my eye. I slowly turn my head and let out a fake smile. The smile was so fake, all I want is to sort out my situation. I focus on my breathing, making sure not to accidentally moan when I feel a finger trace my bulge. Shit. Clay leans into my ear and speaks in a very dominant and raspy voice, hot. "Hmmm, I seem to notice someone is very straight isn't he? Is this okay Georgie?" I nod and throw my head back, arching my back slightly. "I need words Georgie." 

"Y-yes." God please just do something.

Clay doesn't hesitate and puts his warm hands down my trousers, pulling the waistband of my boxers. I suddenly feel my member get engulfed with warmth as he begins pumping it up and down, jacking me off. 

"F-fuck Clay." He smirks and starts going faster. Fuck this feels so good. Suddenly, my touch deprived self starts to feel a warmth in my stomach, indicating my release. "C-Clay I'm close." The warmth around my member quickly turns cold and I groan at the loss of contact. 

Fingers trail along my cheeks and I'm pulled into a long kiss, not a loving kiss, a kiss of want. Clay pulls away, leaving a line of saliva connecting us and starts nibbling along my jawline. Clay finally finds my sweet spot as I let out a loud moan. Clay again, smirks and attacks the same spot until a very dark mark gets left behind. 

Our lips once again connect as Clay picks me up like a bride and carrys me into my bedroom, not parting our lips. He slams me onto my bed and pulls of his shirt and trousers, leaving him only in his boxers. I repeat his actions but my boxers also come off leaving me naked on the bed, my member touching my stomach. 

Clay crawls over to me and puts 3 fingers by my mouth. "Suck." I comply, coating his fingers in my saliva. When he thinks they're wet enough, he removes them and finds my hole, looking up at me asking if this is what I want. I nod and he pushes his finger in, waiting for me to adjust. Once I adjusted, he starts pumping in and out, adding more fingers every few minutes. 

Once I was prepped, Clay lined up and slowly inserted his large member. Waiting for me to adjust, he peppers soft kisses down my collarbone leaving some purple marks in my sensitive areas. After around 2 minutes of me adjusting, I nod and Clay slowly pushes in and out eventually picking up his pace. 

It felt so good. My world seemed to have stopped. I loved it. A long time passed by until a warmth filled my stomach and my member started to twitch. "Clay... I'm close." I manage to get out before moaning again. 

"I know baby, so am I." Another few minutes passed by and I felt a warmth fill my insides leading me to also release all over mine and Clay's stomach. 

Clay leaned down and we kissed for a quite long. 

Yes, I am gay. And now I'm going to ask to date Clay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what this was, sorry. I don't even know what this story was lmaoooo. 
> 
> hi! so i have come baring bad news :( 
> 
> i know I promised you guys some more chapters but this will be the last chapter. 
> 
> I'm really sorry as I know that this isn't how I wanted it to end but to be honest I have no motivation at all and I haven't seen the outside in over a week due to self-isolation. I also kind of didn't know exactly how to end it therefore I'm just going to end it with some seggs, you get me? Anyway, if you want to know what was going to happen comment or something idk. 
> 
> I also feel quite demotivated as I don't feel like my work is good enough therefore I don't really know what to do anymore. Also, this story was absolute shit, the storyline was terrible and I'm sorry about that. 
> 
> don't worry tho! I am going to take my time into writing a highschool dnf fic inspired by a few fics mixed together (I will credit them when I post it) and it won't be out til next year as I'm going to be writing it all and then posting it. This storyline is actually planned out and is already coming along great! 
> 
> I am really sorry for discontinuing it but I feel like it's the best right now. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you all have a lovely christmas and new year!! :))

**Author's Note:**

> Word count: 1124
> 
> Follow my twitter for updates :) @idkiamboredlol


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